Play Therapy at Home—Offering Choices
Returning Responsibility and Reducing Power Struggles
Many parents find themselves stuck in daily power struggles that sound something like:
“Put your shoes on.”
“No.”
“I said put your shoes on.”
“I don’t want to.”
The more we push, the more some children resist. The more they resist, the more we push.
This cycle is exhausting, and it often leaves parents feeling like they are constantly trying to gain compliance rather than connection.
In Child-Centered Play Therapy, there is a skill that gently shifts this dynamic.
We call it offering choices.
Why Choices Matter
Offering choices is one of the most effective ways to return responsibility to the child in a healthy, developmentally appropriate way.
When children are given appropriate choices, they experience:
A sense of control
Ownership over outcomes
Reduced need to resist
Increased cooperation
Greater emotional regulation
This is one reason choice-giving is a core skill used in child-centered approaches to both parenting and play therapy. It supports autonomy and strengthens the child’s sense of capability in everyday life.
What Offering Choices Looks Like
The structure of offering choices is simple:
“You can choose ___ or you can choose ___.”
The key is that both options are acceptable, and both keep the adult in a calm, connected leadership role.
For example:
“You can choose the red shirt or the blue shirt.”
“You can choose to walk to the car or skip to the car.”
“You can choose to start with reading or start with pajamas.”
“You can choose to brush your teeth first or put on pajamas first.”
“You can choose to sit on the couch or sit at the table.”
There is no need for convincing, persuading, or repeating. The choice is simply offered and held.
Why Language Matters
One of the most important parts of this skill is phrasing.
When we ask:
“Do you want to put your shoes on?”
“Can you clean up?”
“Are you ready to get in the car?”
We unintentionally introduce a yes-or-no decision around something that is not actually optional.
Instead, using:
“You can choose X or you can choose Y.”
keeps the interaction clear while still giving the child a sense of control.
This small shift communicates something important:
You have influence in your experience
Your voice matters
And there is still structure around what needs to happen
Choices Build Cooperation
When children feel like they have no control, they often try to gain it through resistance, negotiation, or escalation.
Offering choices reduces this pressure.
Instead of a power struggle, the interaction becomes a moment of decision-making.
Over time, children begin to show:
More cooperation in daily routines
Less resistance during transitions
Greater willingness to participate
Increased sense of responsibility for their actions
This is one of the reasons choice-giving is emphasized in Child-Centered Play Therapy-informed parenting approaches and in child therapy work more broadly.
Why It Works Developmentally
Children are naturally developing autonomy. They want to feel capable, effective, and in control of their world in age-appropriate ways.
When that need is met through structured opportunities for choice, children are less likely to seek control through oppositional behavior.
In the playroom, we see a similar process. When children are given appropriate control within the therapeutic relationship, they often become more regulated, more engaged, and more confident in their ability to navigate their environment.
At home, offering choices creates the same emotional experience:
“I have some control here.”
“My decisions matter.”
“I can handle making choices.”
The Importance of Following Through
One of the most important parts of offering choices is what happens after the choice is given.
Children quickly learn whether a choice is meaningful based on consistency.
When a child hears “you can choose A or B,” they are not only deciding what to do in that moment. They are also learning whether the structure around them is steady and predictable.
If the choice is changed repeatedly, or if new options are introduced after the fact, the original choice loses clarity. Over time, children may begin to test the structure more, not because they are being “defiant,” but because they are trying to understand what is actually consistent.
When choices are kept clear and steady, children begin to relax into them. They learn:
The options are real
The structure is reliable
Their role is to decide, not to negotiate
This is one of the ways offering choices supports a greater sense of calm, predictability, and cooperation over time.
A Simple Practice for This Week
Try offering two clear choices during everyday moments where you would normally give a direction.
Keep in mind:
Both choices must be ones you are fully okay with
Use “you can choose…” language consistently
Stay calm and neutral in tone
Offer the choice once, then pause
Make sure to follow through, even if the stakes seem low (consistency and predictability is the important part of this skill)
You do not need to use choices for everything. Even a few intentional moments a day can shift the overall dynamic in powerful ways.
Coming Next in the Play Therapy at Home Series
Next, we’ll explore setting limits with empathy, and how structure and emotional connection can support safety and emotional regulation in children.
Play Therapy at Home Series
Practical parenting tools inspired by Child-Centered Play Therapy
While parents are not expected to become play therapists, many of the skills used in Child-Centered Play Therapy can strengthen relationships, improve communication, and support children's emotional development at home. In this series, we'll explore practical tools that parents can use in everyday interactions with their children. Each skill is simple to learn but can have a powerful impact on connection, confidence, emotional regulation, and resilience.
References
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT): An evidence-based 10-session filial therapy model. Routledge.
Cochran, N. H., Nordling, W. J., & Cochran, J. L. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Wiley.
Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Ray, D. C. (2011). Advanced play therapy: Essential conditions, knowledge, and skills for child practice. Routledge.
VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.
Hicks, B. (n.d.). The four pillars of play therapy. Play Therapy Parenting. https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/the-four-pillars-of-play-therapy/
