Fewer Power Struggles With Kids
The Simple Parenting Skill That Builds Cooperation
Many parents feel like they are constantly locked in power struggles with their children.
Getting dressed becomes a battle.
Leaving the house becomes an argument.
Turning off screens turns into a meltdown.
When this happens, it often feels like children are being defiant on purpose. But in many cases, the issue is not defiance. The issue is power and control.
Children spend most of their day being directed by adults. Parents tell them what to wear. Teachers tell them where to sit. Coaches tell them what to do next. Their schedules, activities, and routines are largely decided for them.
When children feel like they have no control, they often try to regain it the only way they know how. They resist. They argue. They refuse.
Fortunately, there is a simple parenting tool that can dramatically reduce these power struggles. It is called choice giving.
Why Children Need a Sense of Control
One of the most important developmental tasks of childhood is learning that “I can make decisions and handle the results.”
When children are given appropriate opportunities to make choices, several important things happen:
They feel respected and capable
They practice decision making
They develop self-control
They become more cooperative
When children feel they have some power in a situation, they do not need to fight for it.
This is why structured choices can be so effective.
What Choice Giving Looks Like
Choice giving is simple and intentional. Instead of directing a child with a command, the adult offers two acceptable options. Parents should make sure that the choices offered are both equally acceptable
The structure sounds like this:
“You can choose ___ or you can choose ___.”
Both choices work for the parent. The child gets to decide which one happens.
For example:
Instead of saying:
“Put your shoes on right now.”
You might say:
“You can choose to wear your sneakers or you can choose to wear your sandals.”
Instead of saying:
“Turn off the TV.”
You might say:
“You can choose to turn the TV off in two minutes or you can choose to turn the TV off in 5 minutes.”
Instead of saying:
“Sit down for dinner.”
You might say:
“You can choose to sit in this chair or you can choose to sit in that chair.”
The parent still sets the structure. The child gets a sense of control within that structure.
Wording is key here, using the word “choose” emphasizes to the child that they have power and that they are accepting the consequences that accompany the choice they make. Saying “do you want this or that?” or “you can sit here or there” is less empowering and leaves room for ambiguity (they may not want either choice or they can technically do something different).
Why This Reduces Defiance
Power struggles often happen when children feel forced into something.
When a choice is offered, the dynamic changes. The child is no longer being controlled. They are participating in the decision.
This small shift can make a big difference.
Children who feel empowered are more likely to cooperate because they no longer need to prove their independence through resistance.
Giving Children Credit for Their Choices
An important part of choice giving is acknowledging the child’s decision.
This can be as simple as:
“You chose the blue cup.”
“You chose to start your homework now.”
“You chose to put the toys away so we can read a story.”
These statements may sound small, but they help children internalize an important message:
I can make good decisions.
Over time, this builds confidence, responsibility, and self-control.
When Children Ask You to Decide
Sometimes children will try to give the choice back.
They might say:
“I don’t know. You choose.”
When this happens, it can help to calmly return the responsibility.
“You get to decide.”
At first this can feel uncomfortable for children who are used to adults making every decision. But with practice, they begin to feel more capable and confident.
Keeping Choices Simple
Choice giving works best when options are clear and limited.
Young children usually do best with two choices. Too many options can feel overwhelming.
Both options should also be acceptable to the adult. If one choice will create frustration later, it is better not to offer it.
The goal is not to give children unlimited control. The goal is to give them a meaningful role in the decision.
A Small Shift That Makes a Big Difference
Parenting will always include moments of frustration. But many daily power struggles come from children trying to find a sense of autonomy in a world run by adults.
When parents intentionally offer choices, children often feel calmer, more capable, and more willing to cooperate.
A simple phrase like:
“You can choose this or you can choose that.”
can transform a struggle into an opportunity for growth.
If your child frequently struggles with power battles, emotional outbursts, or difficulty cooperating, play therapy or child counseling can also help children build self-regulation, confidence, and problem-solving skills in a supportive environment.
Working with a child therapist or play therapist in San Luis Obispo can help families learn practical tools that strengthen connection and reduce conflict at home.
Sometimes the most powerful parenting shifts are also the simplest.
References
Axline, V. M. (1947). Play therapy. Houghton Mifflin.
Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Ray, D. C. (2011). Advanced play therapy: Essential conditions, knowledge, and skills for child practice. Routledge.
Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin.
Bratton, S. C., Ray, D. C., Rhine, T., & Jones, L. (2005). The efficacy of play therapy with children: A meta‐analytic review of treatment outcomes. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 36(4), 376–390. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.36.4.376
