Stop Saying “Good Job”?

A child-centered approach to praise and encouragement

“Good job!”

It is probably one of the most automatic things adults say to children. A child finishes a drawing, cleans up their toys, gets dressed by themselves, or makes it across the monkey bars, and out it comes.

There is nothing inherently wrong with telling your child “good job.” Praise can be warm, loving, and encouraging. But when praise becomes our primary way of responding to children, we can miss opportunities to help them develop something even more valuable: their own sense of competence.

As a child therapist and play therapist in San Luis Obispo, one of the ideas I often draw from child-centered play therapy is the distinction between praise and encouragement. It is a subtle difference, but it can change the way children learn to think about themselves.

Praise Comes From Us

Praise evaluates what a child has done.

“That’s a beautiful picture.”

“You did such a good job!”

“You’re so smart.”

These responses communicate something positive, but they also place the adult in the position of deciding whether the child’s work is good, beautiful, smart, or successful.

For many children, an occasional “good job” is not particularly meaningful one way or another. But children who are anxious, perfectionistic, unsure of themselves, or especially eager to please adults can become highly attuned to this evaluation.

Instead of asking themselves, Do I like what I made? or Am I proud of what I figured out?, they begin looking outward.

Did Mom like it?

Did my teacher think I did it right?

What does my therapist think?

The goal is not to eliminate positive feedback. It is to help children gradually develop an internal sense of how they feel about themselves and what they accomplish.

Encouragement Looks Inward

Child-centered play therapy takes a slightly different approach. Rather than evaluating the finished product, a play therapist often notices the child's effort, persistence, decision making, or satisfaction.

Instead of saying, “That’s a beautiful picture,” I might notice, “You worked really hard on that.”

Instead of “Good job building that,” I might say, “You figured out exactly how you wanted those pieces to fit together.”

If a child proudly announces, “Look! I did it!” I might respond, “You did it, and you look really proud of yourself.”

The difference can seem tiny. But the message changes from I approve of what you did to you are noticing what you are capable of doing.

“Watch Me!”

Children naturally want the important adults in their lives to notice them.

When your child yells “Watch me!” from across the playground, they usually are not asking for a performance review. They are asking you to share an experience with them.

Sometimes simply being present is enough.

“You made it all the way across.”

“You've been practicing that over and over.”

“You wanted to make sure I saw that!”

These responses communicate something powerful: I see you. I am interested in what matters to you.

That is different from needing to decide whether what they did was good.

Building Confidence From Within

One of the goals of child-centered play therapy is helping children develop a stronger internal locus of control. Children gradually experience themselves as people who can make decisions, solve problems, tolerate frustration, and figure things out.

Encouragement supports that process because it draws children's attention toward their own abilities.

Imagine a child struggling to build something. It falls over several times, but eventually they figure it out.

“You’re so smart!” focuses on a trait the adult has assigned to the child.

“You kept trying different ways until you figured out one that worked” focuses on something the child actually did.

The second response gives the child information about themselves: I can keep trying when something is difficult. I can solve problems.

Those are beliefs they can carry into the next difficult situation.

What About When Kids Ask?

Sometimes children directly seek evaluation.

“Is my picture good?”

“Do you like it?”

“Did I do it right?”

It can be tempting to immediately reassure them. In child-centered play therapy, however, we may become curious about what is underneath the question.

A child who repeatedly asks whether something is right may be worried about making mistakes. Another may be looking for connection. Another may have become accustomed to relying on adults to determine whether their choices are acceptable.

Rather than immediately evaluating, we can sometimes return the child's attention to their own experience.

“You’re really wondering what I think about it.”

“You want to make sure you got it right.”

“You worked on it until it looked just the way you wanted.”

This does not mean withholding warmth or refusing to answer every question. It means noticing when reassurance is becoming something a child needs from us before they can trust themselves.

You Don't Have to Police Your Language

Once parents learn about encouragement instead of praise, there can be an ironic temptation to turn it into another parenting rule.

I said good job. Was that wrong?

No.

Children do not need perfectly scripted parents, and an enthusiastic “good job!” is not going to undermine your child's self-esteem.

Instead, think about adding more kinds of responses to your parenting toolbox. Notice effort. Describe persistence. Reflect pride. Recognize problem solving. And sometimes, simply let your child know that you are paying attention.

If “good job” comes out naturally, it is okay.

The larger goal is to make sure your child also hears messages like:

“You figured that out.”

“You didn't give up.”

“You know how you want it.”

“You're really proud of what you did.”

Over time, the voice children hear from us can help shape the voice they develop inside themselves.

Supporting Confidence Through Play Therapy

In child-centered play therapy, children experience a relationship in which they are accepted without needing to impress, perform, or get things “right.” They are given opportunities to make choices, solve problems, experience frustration, and discover their own capabilities.

For families looking for a child therapist in San Luis Obispo or parenting support on the Central Coast, this is one of the ways play therapy can support children who struggle with confidence, perfectionism, anxiety, or a strong need for reassurance.

The goal is not for children to stop caring what the people they love think of them. It is for them to develop another important voice alongside ours: their own.

References

Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.

Axline, V. M. (1969). Play Therapy. Ballantine Books.

Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents. Routledge.

Grolnick, W. S. (2003). The Psychology of Parental Control: How Well-Meant Parenting Backfires. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.