Play Therapy at Home—Reflecting Feelings
The Skill That Helps Children Feel Understood
One of the most common questions I hear from parents is:
"What should I say when my child is upset?"
Many parents worry they need to find the perfect words, solve the problem, or make their child's feelings go away. In reality, one of the most powerful things you can do is much simpler.
You can help your child feel understood.
In Child-Centered Play Therapy, one of the core skills I use is called reflecting feelings. This skill helps children develop emotional awareness, emotional regulation, and a stronger sense of connection with the adults in their lives.
The good news is that parents can use this skill at home every day.
What Is Reflecting Feelings?
Reflecting feelings means identifying and communicating the emotion you believe your child is experiencing.
Rather than asking questions, giving advice, or trying to fix the situation, you simply demonstrate that you understand what your child may be feeling.
Examples include:
"You're feeling really frustrated."
"That was disappointing."
"You're excited about that."
"You seem nervous."
"You worked hard on that and you're feeling proud."
"You're angry that your brother touched your toy."
The goal is not to be perfectly accurate every time.
The goal is to communicate:
"I'm paying attention. I care about your experience. I'm trying to understand."
Why Reflecting Feelings Helps
Children are not born knowing how to identify and manage emotions.
Emotional regulation develops through relationships.
When children repeatedly experience adults naming and accepting their feelings, they begin to develop emotional awareness and emotional vocabulary. Over time, they become better able to recognize what is happening inside themselves.
This process also helps children learn that emotions are manageable. And when children feel understood and the emotion is named, the intensity of that emotion tends to diffuse.
Many parents unintentionally send the message that certain feelings are unacceptable:
"Don't be sad."
"It's not a big deal."
"You're fine."
"There's nothing to be afraid of."
"Stop being angry."
While these responses are usually intended to help, children may instead learn that difficult emotions should be avoided, hidden, or quickly eliminated.
Reflecting feelings sends a different message:
"Your feelings make sense."
"You can handle this feeling."
"I'm here with you while you experience it."
Reflecting Feelings Does Not Mean Agreeing
One concern parents sometimes have is that reflecting feelings means approving of a behavior.
It doesn't.
You can accept a child's feelings without accepting all behaviors.
For example:
Instead of:
"Stop yelling. There's no reason to be mad."
You might say:
"You're really angry right now."
The feeling is accepted.
The behavior can still be addressed if needed.
This distinction is important because feelings themselves are not the problem. Children need opportunities to experience and express emotions. Our job is to help them learn appropriate ways to handle them.
What Reflecting Feelings Sounds Like
Let's look at a few common situations.
When Your Child Loses a Game
Instead of:
"It's only a game."
Try:
"You're disappointed that you lost."
When Your Child Is Nervous About School
Instead of:
"Don't worry. You'll be fine."
Try:
"Starting something new feels a little scary."
When Your Child Is Angry
Instead of:
"Calm down."
Try:
"You're really frustrated."
When Your Child Is Excited
Instead of:
"Okay, okay, settle down."
Try:
"You can hardly wait!"
Notice that none of these responses solve the problem.
Instead, they communicate understanding.
Ironically, children often calm more quickly when they feel understood than when adults rush to make the feeling disappear.
What If I Get It Wrong?
Many parents worry about naming the wrong emotion.
The good news is that you don't need to be perfect.
If your guess is incorrect, your child will often correct you.
You might say:
"You seem disappointed."
Your child may respond:
"I'm not disappointed. I'm mad!"
That's still a success.
Your child is learning to identify and communicate their emotions.
The goal is understanding, not perfection.
How This Connects to Play Therapy
In Child-Centered Play Therapy, I regularly reflect children's feelings as they play.
When a child experiences excitement, frustration, fear, pride, sadness, determination, or disappointment, I communicate my understanding of their experience.
Over time, children begin to develop greater emotional awareness, self-acceptance, and confidence in their ability to handle difficult feelings.
Parents can support this same growth at home.
You do not need special toys, lengthy conversations, or perfect responses.
You simply need a willingness to notice your child's emotional experience and communicate that you understand.
Try This This Week
This week, challenge yourself to reflect one feeling each day before asking a question, offering advice, or solving a problem.
You might be surprised how often children respond positively to feeling understood.
Connection often begins with a simple message:
"I see you."
"I hear you."
“I get it.”
"Your feelings make sense."
Coming Next in the Play Therapy at Home Series
In the next post, we'll explore another Child-Centered Play Therapy skill that parents can use at home: tracking behavior, a powerful way to increase connection, attention, and confidence by simply noticing what your child is doing.
Play Therapy at Home Series
Practical parenting tools inspired by Child-Centered Play Therapy
While parents are not expected to become play therapists, many of the skills used in Child-Centered Play Therapy can strengthen relationships, improve communication, and support children's emotional development at home. In this series, we'll explore practical tools that parents can use in everyday interactions with their children. Each skill is simple to learn but can have a powerful impact on connection, confidence, emotional regulation, and resilience.
References
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT): An evidence-based 10-session filial therapy model. Routledge.
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The heart of parenting: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child. Simon & Schuster.
Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Ray, D. C. (2011). Advanced play therapy: Essential conditions, knowledge, and skills for child practice. Routledge.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Delacorte Press.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. Ballantine Books.
