Just Ten Minutes Together
Why One on One Time Changes Behavior
If you have ever wondered why your child seems to act out most when you are stretched thin, busy, or juggling multiple demands, you are not alone. Many parents worry they are doing something wrong when behaviors escalate, especially during busy seasons of life. What research and child therapy consistently show is something both simple and powerful. Children often need connection before behavior improves.
Dedicated one on one time can be one of the most effective tools parents have to support emotional regulation, reduce power struggles, and strengthen the parent child relationship.
Why Behavior Often Signals a Need for Connection
Children do not have the language or emotional maturity to say, “I need your full attention right now.” Instead, that need often shows up as interrupting, whining, defiance, or emotional meltdowns. These behaviors are not manipulative. They are communication.
When children feel unsure about their place, overwhelmed by stress, or disconnected due to busy schedules, their nervous systems look for reassurance. One on one time provides that reassurance in a clear and predictable way.
Research shows that emotional attunement from caregivers supports a child’s ability to regulate emotions, manage frustration, and cooperate with limits. When children feel seen and valued, their behavior often softens naturally.
What Makes One on One Time So Effective
Not all time together has the same impact. One on one time works best when it is predictable, distraction free, and child led.
During this time, the adult follows the child’s lead in play or conversation without correcting, teaching, or multitasking. This kind of focused attention communicates safety and acceptance. It tells a child, “You matter to me just as you are.”
From a developmental perspective, these moments strengthen attachment and support the development of self regulation skills. Children who experience consistent emotional attunement are better able to manage impulses, tolerate frustration, and recover from stress.
This is a core principle often emphasized by play therapists and child therapists because play is a child’s natural language.
How One on One Time Can Reduce Challenging Behaviors
Parents are often surprised to see that adding connection can reduce behaviors more effectively than consequences alone. Regular one on one time can help by:
Reducing attention seeking behaviors
Increasing cooperation and flexibility
Supporting emotional expression
Strengthening trust between parent and child
Creating a buffer against stress from school, transitions, or family changes
When children feel emotionally filled, they are less likely to seek connection through negative behaviors.
How to Start Without Adding More Stress
One on one time does not need to be long or elaborate. Even ten minutes a day can make a meaningful difference. What matters most is consistency and presence.
Choose a predictable time, put phones away, and let your child decide how to play or connect. Avoid correcting or directing. Simply notice, reflect, and enjoy being together.
This approach aligns closely with principles used in non directive play therapy and parent education models supported by child therapy research.
When Extra Support Can Help
Sometimes parents are already doing their best and still feel overwhelmed. If behavior challenges persist or you notice frequent emotional outbursts, anxiety, or withdrawal, child therapy can provide additional support.
A play therapist can help children express underlying feelings through play while also supporting parents with tools that strengthen connection at home. For families in San Luis Obispo and across the Central Coast, child therapy can be a supportive space to slow down, reconnect, and better understand what your child is communicating through behavior.
Connection does not mean permissiveness. It means building a foundation where limits can be held with empathy and trust.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2023). The importance of parent child relationships. https://www.aap.org
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2021). Serve and return interaction shapes brain architecture. https://developingchild.harvard.edu
Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2006-2697
National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2020). Connecting the brain to the rest of the body. https://developingchild.harvard.edu
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2016). No drama discipline. Bantam Books.
