Afraid to Get It Wrong

Why some kids constantly look to adults for the answer

“Is this right?”

“Do you like it?”

“Am I doing it the right way?”

“What am I supposed to do?”

Some children seem to need an adult to sign off on nearly every decision they make. They might ask whether they chose the right color for a drawing, check repeatedly that their homework is correct, or refuse to start something until someone shows them exactly how to do it.

It can be tempting to respond by reassuring them. “Yes, that's right!” “It looks great!” “You're doing fine!”

And sometimes that's exactly what your child needs to hear.

But if your child is constantly looking to you for reassurance, it can be helpful to get curious about why they are so worried about getting it wrong in the first place.

As a child therapist and play therapist in San Luis Obispo, I see this pattern in children for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes it is connected to anxiety or perfectionism. Sometimes a child has gotten used to adults making decisions for them. Sometimes they genuinely don't know what to do. And sometimes asking questions has become a way of making sure they feel safe before taking a risk.

Understanding what is driving the questions can help us figure out how to respond.

Why So Many Questions?

Children ask adults questions because, well, we know a lot of things they don't.

If your child asks what time soccer practice starts, there probably isn't a deeper psychological meaning behind it. They just want to know what time soccer practice starts.

But there are other questions where children already have enough information to make a decision.

“Which color should I use?”

“Where should I put this?”

“Do you think this looks good?”

“Did I do it right?”

When these questions happen over and over, the child may be looking for something other than information.

Maybe they are looking for reassurance.

If you tell me this is right, I don't have to worry about making a mistake.

Maybe they are looking for approval.

If you like what I made, then I know it's good.

Or maybe they have simply learned that when they aren't sure what to do, an adult will make the decision for them.

None of these things mean something is necessarily wrong. But if a child rarely feels comfortable making decisions without checking with an adult first, they may not be getting enough opportunities to experience themselves as capable of figuring things out.

Mistakes Can Feel Enormous

For some children, getting something wrong feels much more significant than we might expect.

A perfectionistic child may not experience a mistake as simply a mistake. Instead, making a mistake can feel like evidence that they aren't smart enough, capable enough, or good enough.

An anxious child might become preoccupied with what will happen if they choose incorrectly. What if the teacher gets mad? What if the other kids laugh? What if Mom doesn't like it? What if something bad happens?

Other children may have difficulty tolerating uncertainty in general. Knowing the “right” answer helps them feel more in control of what happens next.

If you notice that your child asks for reassurance constantly, it can be helpful to look at where else this pattern shows up. Do they erase their homework repeatedly? Avoid activities they aren't already good at? Become very upset over small mistakes? Ask the same question even after you've already answered it?

The question itself may only be the tip of the iceberg.

Adults Are Really Helpful

There is another possibility that is a little less complicated.

We may be helping too much.

Adults are incredibly efficient problem solvers. We've had decades of practice making decisions, tying shoes, opening packages, spelling words, building Lego sets, and figuring out how things work.

Watching a child struggle with something we could solve in approximately three seconds can be excruciating.

So we help.

We tell them which piece goes there. We remind them what comes next. We answer the question. We fix the mistake. We show them the easier way.

Most of the time we are doing this because we love them and want to help. But if we consistently do for children what they are capable of doing for themselves, they don't get the experience of discovering their own competence.

They learn to look outward for the answer instead.

“You Can Decide”

Returning responsibility to children is an important skill in child-centered play therapy.

If a child holds up two crayons and asks me, “Which one should I use?” I could easily pick one.

But my opinion about whether the dinosaur should be green or purple is completely irrelevant.

Instead, I might say, “In here, you get to decide.”

If a child asks, “Did I spell this right?” I might respond, “In here, you can spell that any way you want.”

Sometimes children are perfectly happy with that response. Other times they are not.

“But which one do YOU think I should use?”

Now we have learned something.

It might be really important to this child to know what I think. Maybe they are afraid of making the wrong choice. Maybe they want to make sure I approve of what they're doing. Maybe asking is a way of connecting with me.

Rather than rushing to answer the question, I can respond to what seems to be happening underneath it.

“You really want to make sure you choose the right one.”

“You want to know what I think about it.”

“It's hard to decide when you aren't sure which one will work.”

Now we are no longer having a conversation about crayons. We are having a conversation about the child's experience.

Confidence Comes From Experience

We tell children they are capable all the time.

“You can do it!”

“You're so smart!”

“I know you can figure it out!”

Those things are lovely to hear, but there is an important difference between being told you are capable and experiencing yourself as capable.

A child who struggles with a puzzle, tries several things, gets frustrated, and eventually figures it out has learned something about themselves.

I didn't know what to do, and I figured it out.

A child who chooses the “wrong” answer and discovers that nothing catastrophic happens learns something too.

I can make a mistake and recover.

These experiences slowly become evidence children can draw on the next time they aren't sure what to do.

That is how confidence develops from the inside rather than depending entirely on reassurance from other people.

Don't Turn This Into Another Rule

Once parents learn about returning responsibility, there can be a temptation to stop answering every question.

That isn't the goal.

Children actually need adults. Sometimes they need information. Sometimes they need help. Sometimes a task genuinely exceeds what they can reasonably do on their own. And sometimes they just want to know whether you like their picture.

The goal is not to become an infuriating person who responds to every question with, “What do you think?”

Instead, pay attention to the pattern.

If your child already knows the answer, can they tolerate figuring it out?

If they ask for help, do they actually need help, or are you uncomfortable watching them struggle?

If they ask what you think, are they sharing something with you, or do they seem unable to feel good about their choice until you approve of it?

There isn't one correct response. Ironically, trying to find one would put us in exactly the same trap.

Helping Kids Trust Themselves

Children are still figuring out who they are and what they are capable of doing. Part of that process involves looking to the adults around them for information, reassurance, and guidance.

But gradually, we also want them to be able to look inward.

What do I think?

What do I want?

What could I try?

What happens if I'm wrong?

In child-centered play therapy, children have countless opportunities to answer those questions for themselves. They decide what to play with, what something means, how a problem should be solved, and what happens next. The play therapist provides safety, consistency, and support without taking over the child's decisions.

Over time, children begin to ask fewer questions and make more statements. They become more comfortable trying something before checking whether it is right. They begin to experience themselves as people who can make decisions, solve problems, and recover when things don't work out exactly as planned.

For families looking for a child therapist in San Luis Obispo or parenting support on the Central Coast, a child who constantly needs reassurance may not simply need to hear “You're doing it right” more often.

Sometimes they need opportunities to discover that they can get it wrong and still be okay.

References

Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.

Axline, V. M. (1969). Play Therapy. Ballantine Books.

Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents. Routledge.

Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2020). Perfectionism in Childhood and Adolescence: A Developmental Approach. American Psychological Association.