The Gentle Parenting Trap

When Kindness Needs Boundaries

Gentle parenting has been having a moment. With its emphasis on empathy, connection, and respect, it's not hard to understand why. Many parents today are working hard to break the cycles they grew up in and are searching for alternatives to authoritarian discipline. Gentle parenting offers that alternative. But like any parenting style, it isn’t perfect.

First, let’s define what we mean. Gentle parenting is often confused with permissive parenting, but they are not the same thing. Permissive parenting involves low demands and high responsiveness. Boundaries are often unclear, and parents may avoid conflict altogether, even when setting limits would help their child feel more secure. Gentle parenting, by contrast, aims to maintain boundaries while responding to a child’s emotional needs with empathy and patience. It values discipline through teaching, not punishment.

Where things can get murky is when parents confuse gentleness with avoidance. In trying to be kind and validating, some parents may hesitate to say no, worry about setting consequences, or feel guilty when their child is upset. This is where gentle parenting can unintentionally slip into permissiveness. Kids need boundaries. They need adults who can calmly hold the line and contain their big feelings without shame.

On the flip side, authoritative parenting, not to be confused with authoritarian parenting, strikes a healthy middle ground. It blends warmth and responsiveness with structure and high expectations. Studies consistently show that authoritative parenting supports emotional regulation, academic achievement, and healthy social skills. In many ways, gentle parenting and authoritative parenting share the same core values, but authoritative parenting is often more clear about the importance of boundaries and follow-through.

One powerful tool that bridges these two approaches is emotion coaching. Coined by Dr. John Gottman, emotion coaching helps parents guide their children through big feelings in ways that build connection and emotional intelligence. Rather than dismissing or minimizing emotions, emotion coaching encourages parents to tune in, label feelings, empathize, and support problem-solving. This doesn’t mean excusing all behavior; it means addressing it in a way that helps kids feel safe enough to grow and learn.

Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present, being attuned, and being willing to learn. If gentle parenting resonates with you, great. Just remember that your child also needs you to be their guide. You can hold space for their feelings and still hold a boundary. You can validate their anger and still expect respectful behavior. You can offer a warm hug and a firm limit. That’s where the magic happens.

References:

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Parenting styles. https://www.apa.org/act/resources/fact-sheets/parenting-styles

Brown University. (2024). Gentle parenting: What it is, how it can help, and possible drawbacks. https://www.brownhealth.org/be-well/gentle-parenting-what-it-how-it-can-help-and-possible-drawbacks

Cleveland Clinic. (2023). What is gentle parenting? https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-gentle-parenting

Gottman, J. (2014). An introduction to emotion coaching. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/

HuffPost. (2024). What is gentle parenting? Experts explain the downsides. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-is-gentle-parenting-downsides_l_67f3d3cfe4b04e7e19265266

Mayo Clinic Press. (n.d.). What parenting style is right for you? https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/parenting/what-parenting-style-is-right-for-you/

Michigan State University Extension. (2016). Permissive parenting style. https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/permissive_parenting_style

National Library of Medicine. (n.d.). Parenting skills and child behavior. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/

PMC. (2015). Emotion coaching: A new approach to supporting children's behaviour in schools. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/274740013_Emotion_Coaching_A_new_approach_to_supporting_children's_behaviour_in_schools

PMC. (2020). Emotion-related socialization in the family. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7041803/

Verywell Mind. (2024). What is authoritative parenting? https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-authoritative-parenting-2794956