When Kids Lie
What It Really Means and How to Respond
If your child has ever told you a tall tale, hidden the truth, or flat-out denied something you saw with your own eyes, you’re not alone. Lying can be one of the more frustrating behaviors to navigate as a parent. It can stir up worry, frustration, or even shame. But the truth is, lying is a normal part of child development; how we respond matters more than we often realize.
Why Kids Lie
Children don’t lie because they’re bad. In fact, lying is often a developmental milestone that shows a child is starting to understand how others think. Around age 3, kids begin to test out falsehoods. This is when their brains are developing what psychologists call "theory of mind,” which is the understanding that other people can hold different beliefs and perspectives than they do.
Young kids might lie for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s to avoid getting in trouble, and other times it’s a wishful stretch of imagination. Older kids may lie to fit in with friends or test boundaries as they push for independence. Some children lie because they’re overwhelmed, anxious, or don’t yet have the language to express what they need.
What Parents Can Do
Here are some gentle but effective ways to respond when your child lies:
1. Stay calm.
Reacting with anger or shame often shuts down communication. It also teaches kids that honesty is unsafe. When you can stay calm, you keep the door open for growth and learning.
2. Look beneath the lie.
Try to understand what need or emotion is driving the behavior. Were they scared of getting in trouble? Did they feel embarrassed or unsure? The lie itself isn’t as important as what led to it.
3. Model honesty.
Children are always watching. When you own up to mistakes or admit when something’s hard, you’re showing them that honesty is brave and human.
4. Reinforce trust.
Let your child know that telling the truth strengthens your relationship. You can say something like, “It’s really important to me that we can trust each other. I appreciate you being honest with me.”
5. Avoid labels.
Try not to call your child a liar. Labeling them this way can damage their self-concept and make it harder for them to feel safe being truthful in the future.
When to Seek Therapy
Lying becomes more concerning when it’s persistent, escalates over time, or is part of a broader pattern of behavior like aggression, stealing, or defiance. If lying is interfering with family relationships, school functioning, or your child seems stuck in a cycle of deception, it might be time to talk to a professional.
A therapist can help uncover what’s going on beneath the surface and support your child in building emotional awareness, communication skills, and self-worth. Therapy also provides a safe space for parents to process their own reactions and learn new tools for connection.
Final Thoughts
Lying is uncomfortable for both kids and parents. But when we approach it with curiosity and compassion, we open the door to deeper understanding and trust. Kids aren’t perfect and they don’t need to be. With support and guidance, they can learn that being honest is not only safe, but meaningful too.
References
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2017). Children and lying (Fact Sheet No. 44). https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Lying-044.aspx
BBC Bitesize. (n.d.). Why children lie – and how to help them stop. https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/zvnc7v4
Child Mind Institute. (n.d.). Why kids lie. https://childmind.org/article/why-kids-lie/
Hopkins Medicine. (n.d.). Lying and stealing. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/lying-and-stealing
Psychology Today. (2023, July). Unlocking the truth: 7 ways to help your child stop lying. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202307/unlocking-the-truth-7-ways-to-help-your-child-stop-lying
Sanford Health. (2021, October 12). Why children lie and how to react properly. https://news.sanfordhealth.org/parenting/why-children-lie-and-how-to-react-properly/
Walton, A. G. (Host). (2023, March 15). Why kids lie [Audio podcast episode]. In Speaking of Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/why-kids-lie
