Helping Kids Build Grit
When Talent Isn’t Enough
I recently came across a post in a parenting forum that hit home for so many parents I work with as a child and teen therapist in San Luis Obispo. The dad described his 11-year-old daughter as bright and capable: she earns straight A’s and is involved in extracurriculars. However, when she isn’t instantly good at something, she gives up. She gets upset seeing other kids succeed, avoids activities that require effort, and resists coaching even from her own parents. At home, she complains about everything from biking to chores, but around peers, she can keep up just fine. Only afterward does she melt down when she feels like she wasn’t the best.
This dynamic is so common, especially in kids who’ve had early academic or social success. When things come easily at first, they don’t always learn how to cope with failure, frustration, or effort. And when we try to help them push through, it can feel like we’re either being too hard or not hard enough.
The missing ingredient here is grit.
Grit is a child’s ability to persevere through challenges, setbacks, and discomfort. It’s not about being the best. It’s about not quitting when you’re not. Research shows that grit is one of the strongest predictors of long-term success, even more than IQ or natural talent. But grit doesn’t come from pressure. It’s a learned skill, and kids need support to build it.
If you’re watching your child quit activities the moment they get hard, break down over comparison, or avoid trying new things unless they’re guaranteed to shine, here are some ways to start building grit at home:
Praise effort, not outcome. Kids need to hear “You worked really hard on that” more than “You’re so smart.” When praise is based on talent, they learn to fear anything that challenges it.
Let them struggle a little. It’s okay for your child to be frustrated, even to fail. Resist the urge to jump in too quickly. The process of figuring things out builds resilience.
Model what grit looks like. Talk about a time you had to work hard to get better at something. Kids need to see that adults also struggle, try again, and grow.
Use comparison as a tool for curiosity, not criticism. If your child is upset that another kid is better at something, help them wonder why. “I wonder how much time she’s spent practicing guitar. What would happen if you did that too?”
Encourage small, manageable goals. A huge goal like “Get good at archery” can feel overwhelming. Breaking it down into “Practice for 10 minutes today” helps kids stay focused and less discouraged.
Talk about the long game. Help your child see that mastery takes time. Share stories of athletes, artists, or scientists who practiced and failed before they succeeded.
Don’t equate sensitivity with weakness. Some kids feel deeply. That doesn’t mean they can’t be gritty. It just means they need help learning how to ride the emotional waves instead of avoiding them.
As a family therapist on the Central Coast, I work with many families who are trying to raise confident, capable kids but are getting stuck in cycles of avoidance, perfectionism, or emotional shutdown. Helping your child develop grit doesn’t mean being hard on them. It means holding space for their emotions and holding boundaries around effort, practice, and learning.
If your child seems overly discouraged, refuses coaching, or gives up too easily, it might not be laziness. It might be fear of failure in disguise. Therapy can help kids build confidence in their ability to struggle and still move forward. And it can help parents feel more grounded in how to support them without feeling like the bad guy.
Grit isn’t something kids either have or don’t. It’s something they grow into with practice, support, and safe space to fail.
References
Duckworth, A. L., Peterson, C., Matthews, M. D., & Kelly, D. R. (2007). Grit: Perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(6), 1087–1101. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.6.1087
Hunt, C. (2022). The power of defeat: How to raise a kid with grit. Scholastic Parents. https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/social-emotional-learning/social-skills-for-kids/power-defeat-how-to-raise-kid-grit.html
Kamenetz, A. (2014). Does teaching kids to get 'gritty' help them get ahead? NPR. https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2014/03/17/290089998/does-teaching-kids-to-get-gritty-help-them-get-ahead
Institute of Child Psychology. (2021). Grit Handout. https://instituteofchildpsychology.com/app/uploads/2021/07/Grit_Handout.pdf
PBS Parents. (n.d.). Resilience. PBS Kids for Parents. https://www.pbs.org/parents/learn-grow/age-5/character/resilience
