“Go Away!”

When children need space from the person they love

Your child is completely falling apart. They are crying, yelling, maybe throwing things, and you can see how overwhelmed they are. You try to move closer to comfort them and they scream, “GO AWAY!”

So you stay.

You tell them you're there for them. You try to give them a hug. You reassure them that you aren't going anywhere. Somehow, this seems to make them even angrier. Now they're screaming at you to leave them alone while you're wondering whether walking away when your child is this upset would make them feel abandoned.

It can be so difficult to see your child struggling with enormous feelings. I also think this generation of parents is particularly aware of how painful it can be for children to experience those feelings alone. Many parents remember being sent to their rooms, put in time-out, or otherwise separated from the family when they were upset as children themselves. Understandably, they want to do something different with their own children.

But sometimes, in our effort to make sure children don't feel abandoned when they're upset, we can accidentally stop listening when they tell us what they actually need.

Sometimes “Go away!” really does mean I need you to go away.

Trying to Do Better

Each generation of parents is, in many ways, trying to do better than the generation that came before them.

Maybe previous generations experienced far too much corporal punishment and wanted a better way to respond to children's behavior. By the 1980s and 1990s, time-out had become an incredibly popular parenting strategy. Instead of spanking children, parents could remove them from the situation and give them time to calm down.

Now many of the children who experienced those parenting strategies are parents themselves. There is much more awareness of children's emotional needs, attachment, regulation, and the importance of connection. Some parents remember being sent away when they were having enormous feelings and don't want their own children to experience that same sense of rejection or abandonment.

That is an important shift.

But sometimes we overcorrect.

A parent may become so determined not to leave their child alone with difficult feelings that they won't leave the child's side, even when the child is adamantly demanding space.

Respecting a child's need for space and banishing a child to a corner because their emotions or behavior are unacceptable are two very different experiences.

In one, the adult is saying, Your feelings are too much. Go away until you can behave.

In the other, the adult is saying, I hear that you need space. I'm going to respect that, and I'm still here when you need me.

Some Children Regulate Through Space

Think about your own experience of being upset. There are probably times when talking to another person feels helpful. Maybe you want someone to sit next to you, hug you, listen to you, or reassure you.

There are probably other times when the absolute last thing you want is another person talking to you.

Children aren't all that different.

For some children, being upset is already incredibly overstimulating. Their body is activated. The environment may be noisy. Someone might be asking questions. Their sibling is still talking. A parent is trying to reason with them. They are being touched when they don't want to be touched. There is simply too much happening.

Removing themselves from that stimulation may actually be one of the ways they are learning to regulate.

If your child regularly runs to their room when they're upset, spends ten minutes alone under a blanket, and then reappears significantly calmer, pay attention to that pattern.

They may already be telling you what works for them.

The Mountain Road

I sometimes think about a tantrum or an enormous emotional reaction like driving up a steep mountain road.

As the child becomes increasingly dysregulated, they continue climbing higher and higher up that mountain. The farther they go, the harder it becomes for them to access the parts of their brain responsible for reasoning, problem-solving, impulse control, and communication.

If they feel trapped, if they remain in the presence of whatever escalated them in the first place, or if more stimulation continues to enter the environment, they may keep climbing.

When children go through child-centered play therapy, one of the things we hope they become better at is recognizing the “off-ramps” along that road.

They begin developing more ways to get themselves back to baseline before they reach the top.

For one child, the off-ramp might be crawling into a quiet, dark space alone in their bedroom. Another child might seek out a hug or physical reassurance from a parent. Another might need to move their body, squeeze something, cry, or talk.

There isn't one universally correct way to calm down.

Our job isn't necessarily to decide which off-ramp a child should take. Part of developing self-regulation is gradually learning to recognize what your own body needs and discovering which strategies actually help.

Sometimes children know what they need before they have particularly sophisticated words for it.

“GO AWAY!” might be one of those attempts.

Listen to What They're Telling You

If your child is screaming for you to leave and you know from experience that they tend to calm down when given some space, it may be worth trusting their instinct.

That doesn't mean you have to disappear emotionally.

This is where the child-centered skills of reflecting feelings and tracking behavior can be incredibly useful. Instead of continuing to ask questions or trying to convince your child to accept comfort, you might say:

“You are so, so angry and you really want to be alone. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen making us a snack.”

Then leave.

You've respected the child's request while also communicating something very important: I am still available to you.

You aren't stomping out of the room saying, “Fine! Deal with it yourself.” You aren't withdrawing affection because their behavior hurt your feelings. You aren't forcing them to come find you and apologize before you will reconnect.

You are giving them space because they asked for it.

When You Can't Leave

There are situations where giving a child complete privacy isn't appropriate.

If your child is hurting themselves, attempting to hurt someone else, destroying things in a way that could cause injury, trying to run away, or otherwise behaving in a way that makes you concerned about their safety, then you may need to remain nearby.

In that situation, you can still acknowledge what the child wants.

“You are so, so angry and you want to be alone, but your body isn't safe to be alone right now. You can choose for me to stand by the door or you can choose for me to sit in the chair. Which do you choose?”

The child doesn't get to choose whether the adult maintains safety. That is the parent's responsibility.

But they can have some control over how that happens.

As their body begins to settle, you can recognize that change and return more responsibility to them.

“You're still angry, but you're choosing to be safe with your body. You can choose for me to stay in the room or you can choose for me to wait right outside. Which do you choose?”

This is very similar to how limits work in child-centered play therapy. We accept the child's emotional experience while setting the minimum limit necessary to maintain safety. Whenever possible, we also give the child choices within that limit so they can experience some control over what happens next.

Connection Doesn't Always Mean Closeness

I think this is one of the harder ideas for parents who are intentionally trying to practice more connected parenting.

Connection doesn't always mean physical proximity.

Sometimes being responsive to your child means sitting next to them while they cry. Sometimes it means wrapping them in your arms. Sometimes it means listening without trying to fix anything.

And sometimes it means leaving the room.

What matters is the message surrounding that space.

There is a tremendous difference between I am leaving because your feelings are too much for me and I am giving you space because I trust what you're telling me about what you need.

For families looking for a child therapist in San Luis Obispo or parenting support on the Central Coast, child-centered play therapy can help children develop greater awareness of their emotions, increase their capacity for self-regulation, and experiment with different ways of managing difficult experiences. Part of that process is helping children discover their own off-ramps rather than always relying on an adult to regulate them.

Your child knows themselves better than anyone else. As they grow, we want them to become increasingly capable of noticing what is happening inside of them and responding to those signals.

So if your child consistently tells you, through their words and their behavior, that they need some space when they're overwhelmed, listen.

You can give them space without going away.

References

Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.

Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents. Routledge.

Thompson, R. A. (1994). Emotion regulation: A theme in search of definition. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 59(2–3), 25–52.

Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388.